There was a time, I couldn’t trust my creativity.
I was so afraid to make a mistake, I would just freeze. I had ideas and inspirations and probably took action on 30-40 % of them, and followed to completion on even less of them. That was nowhere close to enough to leave me feeling fulfilled.
If you can relate, please keep reading.
I worked so hard to please everyone. I tried to make myself what everyone wanted or what others had success being and doing. It was exhausting.
I wondered where is the real me and how do I express her? How do I get out of this cage?
It took me a long time to unravel the pieces. Finally, I was able to see that my ability to trust my creativity (which I consider the essence of life) and my pleasure (which I consider the same as true creativity) were still intertwined with the sexual abuse I experienced as a young child.
Here is how this awareness came to me:
At the time I was married for a couple of years and I remember I was in bed with my husband we were fooling around. He tried to pleasure me and my left leg had a reflex of just closing on his hand.
He said lovingly: What is that? What is that reflex?
The reflex was that I didn’t trust my pleasure. A part of me thought it was wrong and not to be trusted. (mind you I had already done a some tantric trainings)
Because the sexual abuse that I had worked on in therapy for nearly a decade, the sexual abuse that happened while I was between the ages of 5-8 actually felt good.
Yup, I knew it was wrong and I knew it shouldn’t happen. I also froze every time it happened AND it also felt good.
This was a the HUGE mind fuck. Of course the body felt good with the sensation of being touched.
After working with so many women I know this is true for so many of us. The fact that it felt good ads to the shame and guilt and sense of responsibility we often carry our whole lives.
The moment of transformation came when my husband reminded me that I had something so many don’t have. RESOLVE.
A year prior to this experience the man who had abused me had flown to LA to meet me and apologize. I had rented a room at my spiritual center, Agape, and we met face to face. He acknowledged the abuse and asked for forgiveness. I trembled, but I forgave him.
I will never forget that day. I walked out of that building 1000 lbs lighter than when I went in.
So my husband said to me: You have resolution. It is now up to you, ALL YOU, if you trust your creativity and your pleasure. It is not empowering now to put it on this past experience.
This is when I knew I had to find a mentor to help me to trust my self expression.
I found three.
- One to teach me about beauty and self expression through style.
- Another who brought me back into my body at a time when I had stopped dancing and felt locked in my own sensuality for the first time in a long time.
- Another who took me deeper into shamanic practices for empowered living.
All the while I was in an intensive two year Master’s Program of Spiritual Psychology.
It doesn’t matter why you don’t trust your pleasure, why you are frozen in perfectionism, or why you don’t follow through on your creativity.
Whether you experienced the boundaries being crossed as a child or adult, feeling safe in your Authentic Self Expression, pleasure, and creativity is essential to living a fulfilling life.
It is up to you and your path, so know this, there is a way out. It is gentle and powerful and I have walked it. I have walked hundreds of women through it.
We must each set ourselves FREE so we may teach others what a FREE WOMAN looks and lives like. This the healing we all need. It’s time.